”I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”

I’ve had three great losses in my life. First one nearly killed me in the end, the second is still silently destroying me mentally and the third one made me realise just how much every moment with my family matters.

But I’ve learned everything can be fixed if you decide it’s worth enough to fix it. I’ve learned that if you tried everything you could, even if only in the end, you are not to blame. I’ve learned that trust and honesty is what I value and look for in people. I’ve learned being alone is okay, even if it hurts like hell. I’ve learned to take time, but not to isolate myself. I’ve learned to never, ever, ever put all of the blame on myself. I’ve learned to choose my people carefully. I’ve learned to appreciate quality over quantity. I’ve learned to never give up on people, even if it backfires in the end and on the other hand that you’re not a bitch if you ignore them for a while and don’t talk to them just because they want to – because you sometimes just need to effing put yourself first. I’ve learned it’s also okay to fall sometimes, that you don’t have to be strong all the time.

And I’m learning to forgive, which for me is the hardest thing to do. To forgive people who meant the world to you, who you thought you meant the world to them, who left you without saying a proper goodbye. Who you trusted with all your being, who were your most important people. To forgive people who replaced you so easily, who hurt you beyond reason.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.

But in a weird way I’m also trying to be grateful. Cus every one of these losses shaped me in the person I am today. And hell, even if my mind is not quite okay yet, I bloody love myself and what I do right now. I. Effing. Love. Myself. And I pray to God I never lose faith in myself (and Him) ever again.

 

Tired.

I’m tired of feeling like shit again.

I’m tired of being that one person people just choose to ignore. Because, you know, why wouldn’t they? I’m the one there and I’m the one who can always take and ‘handle’ shit from people. I’m the trash can for people to put their frustrations in. Even if I don’t even know what’s going on.

I’m tired of double standards.

I’m tired of feeling like crap about feeling like crap.

I’m tired of not saying anything right. Apparently. Again. Wow. Such a shocker.

And then I worry about how me being quiet is gonna disturb some people. But now I found out that no, actually, me being quiet is what people actually need. Because anything I say is wrong. No, seriously, I’m serious.

I’m tired of people still not understanding anything at all about me.

I’m just so tired.

So, I’m just gonna be quiet. Again. Because silence is making me feel safe, at least. And it hurts quite less than being told over and over again how I should just shut up.

I just wish I would’ve find out this sooner. I guess I wouldn’t be feeling like I felt 7 years ago, again.

And no, I won’t be the one to make things right again. Tried to keep the relationship going before and I apparently failed. Nope, I’m done.

Ugh.

Thanks, my dear world, for disappointing me yet again. I’m just so thankful.

 

The One When I’m Not A Bad Friend

 

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(c) Nuši ❤

Having low self-esteem pretty much your whole life does a lot to a person. Everybody knows that. But for me it wasn’t so much my body image that I didn’t like. I mean, sure I had those bad days when I hated my nose and numerous chin rolls (still struggling with that, can’t help it) or when no jeans would fit me because I was (am) just too small yet wide in the waist (meh, still struggling with that, too) or when I was losing every possible ring because my hands are so weird and boney.

The biggest problem for me ever since I can remember is that to this day I still don’t know how to properly deal/talk with other people. More specifically: my friends. Which is weird, right? Like, they’re my friends. Most of them have been my friends for almost my entire life. And yet, I still have absolutely NO CLUE whatsoever what to say to them when they’re crying. Or when they’re over-the-moon happy. Or when they’re just plain moody. I’m obssesing over things like: ‘Am I smiling enough? I don’t think I am. Should I be jumping up and down? How long should I keep smiling? Wait, should I go and get tissues? Or would she/he prefer I just hold her/his hand? Damn, I wish he/she was here, he/she would know what to say!’ etc. Basically, my mind shuts down completely on what to actually do.

How is this connected to my self-esteem, you may ask?

Well, my dear patient people who are still reading this, this super-duper problem is making me think I’m a failure at being a good friend. So, another fail combined with friends equals having low self-esteem.

Yes, I know, lots of people sometimes don’t know what to say to others. But for me it happens all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. And I really don’t want to be that person who just pats someones shoulder and says ‘there, there’, because she has nothing smarter to say.

It just blows my mind how certain people find just the right words when others need them. I am beyond jealous of those people. I’m sorry, but I am. Because I feel like I should be returning my friends a favor – that is, if they’re making me laugh constantly, it’s only right that I should know or find the right words to console them if need be. But I don’t have them.

BUUUUT! So I don’t sound whiny and ‘oh poor poor Maša’ again, something happened the other day. One of my friends was having probably one of the roughest days in her life, yet when I came into the room, I seriously didn’t know what to say. I. Didn’t. Know. And it killed me. Because she’s one of my best friends and there I was, quiet. Luckily, another friend was there, too, and she knows what to say when people are in a state like that (I still think you should change college, J 😉 ).  She made the situation a bit better and simultaneously made me feel worse about myself. But then, I’ve had enough. So I stood up, went to the fridge and brought back two bowls of ice-cream. And sang Pink Fluffy Unicorn Dancing on Rainbows. Because these were things that made me happy and I so hoped they would make her happy, too.

And that’s when my other friend said: ‘See, THAT’S what you do! You’re being so worried that you don’t know what to say to people when they’re feeling certain things, and yet you find a completely different and awesome way to show them you really DO care about them. Even if you don’t directly tell them with your words’  (Kinda like that, J? 😀 ).

And it was just a bit of ice-cream.

I’m not saying I’m gonna stop worrying what to say to people when it comes to situations like this in the future. I don’t change so easily. I’m still gonna get nervous when people start crying in front of me (or, like, show emotions in general *sigh*). But I did need a strong reminder that in the end I am not such a f-ck up of a friend like I thought I was and that I do know what to say, just in a different way. And miraculously, people are fine with that even if I’m not.

Also, ice-cream fixes everything. Even if it’s lactose-free.

 

Thanks for reading & good night.

xo

My Current Playlist

Pretty self-explanatory.

 

Adele – Don’t You Remember

 

Lea Michele – If You Say So

 

TLK – Love Will Find A Way

 

 

 

Joan Jett – I Hate Myself For Loving You

 

 

Tom Odell – Heal

 

 

Les Miserables – On My Own

 

 

Hana Pestle – Need

 

 

Adele – One and Only

 

 

 

 

Willamette Stone – Heart Like Yours

 

 

+ Friends

 

 

 

 

 

Summer Vol. 2

Evo mene. Po dveh mesecih zabušavanja in izogibanja pisanju o mojih ‘go-with-the-flow dogodivščinah’ – ker se mi pač ni dalo – (more of that here) sem se končno odločila (tudi zaradi pritiska na fejsbuku; kao 😛 ), da vam ta čudovit sončen in topel prvoseptembrski šolski dan polepšam s še bolj sončno obarvanim blog postom. V slovenščini, delno! Torej, represent represent: Kaprije! Wooohooo. Roke gor tisti, ki ste že bili na tem tako osamljenem hrvaškem otoku, da niti za lastne kartice nima! High-five!

V glavnem. Pred temle še nikol prej nisem slišala za Kaprije, kaj šele, da se dol v mladinskih skupinah preživlja počitnice. Odločitev za počitnice je bila sklenjena res čisto na hitro. Ker ob treh zjutraj za vikend nimam kj bolj pametnega za delat kot se pač prijavljat na take stvari. Menda sem bila celo prva, ki se je prijavila (ja halooo, če je blo pa za 5€ cenej!), upsidejzi. Mister je bil pa takoj za mano, hihi. Kakorkoli že. Ker je tja šlo tudi par ljudi, ki jih bežno ali ne tako bežno poznam, je blo treba tisto prijavo kakopak izpolnit pa poslat, ker menda takih počitnic ne gre zamudit. Preverjeno.

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Od vsega skupaj me je najbolj skrbel moj želodec, itak (človek bi prej pomislil, da me bo bolj skrbelo to, kako bom izgledala v kopalkah, ma fuuučka mi se 😀 ), in že prvi dan me ni razočaral. Ko smo ob približno desetih (pol ure gor dol) zvečer prispeli na Kaprije, so nam seveda ponudili večerjo – hrenovke > čevapčiči. Woop. Sama sem bila lačna k zmaj, moj želodec pa se je po večerji odločil še majčkeno bolj zmajevsko obnašat, kar pomeni, da ko so si po večerji vsi udeleženci krenili namakat tačkice v morju, sem jaz večer sama preživela v družbi postelje in bolečine. Fun! Na srečo je bilo tako samo prvi dan, druge dni se je obnašal bolj spodobno. Priden poba.

Vsi udeleženci smo bili že predhodno razdeljeni v skupine in juhu, pristala sem skupaj z Mistrom in še dvema carjema, Nastjo in Kristjanom. The Amazing Four, prav res! 😉 Ker je imela vsaka skupina vsak dan svojo nalogo (od kuhanja, pripravljanja mize, pomivanja posode, pometanja hiše, pomivanja kopalnice do trganja trave (wut?!), ustvarjanja poti do kapele ipd.), je eden najlepših spominov prav tisti od našega kuhanja kosila, skupaj s še enim carjem (ja, Lukaš, o teb govorim 😛 ). Program je sicer potekal tako, da smo po jutranji maši/molitvi in zajtrku imeli dvourni vsebinski blok, potem je se je pripravljalo kosila in hamsanje le-tega, nato preživljanje časa na plaži do nekak sedmih zvečer, po plaži pa še pripravljanje in hamsanje večerje ter večerna refleksija in molitev, od desetih naprej pa smo imeli prosto. Vmes se je seveda vedno našel čas za družabne igre, ki jih jaz osebno res ne maram, namreč zato, ker vedno izgubim ali pa ker postanem živčna. Tko, judge me.

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Letošnja tema počitnic se je nanašala na medsebojne odnose (naslov se je glasil ‘Kam te veter nosi? Pomembni so odnosi!’). Takole nekak so nas prepričevali na spletni strani SKAM-a: V središču letošnje Poletne šole skupnosti bodo medosebni odnosi. Ne le, da jih bomo živeli – poskušali jih bomo bolje razumeti, se o njih pogovarjali in si prizadevali rasti. Vzeli si bomo čas zase in čas za skupnost. Skupaj bomo odkrivali lepoto in zahtevnost komuniciranja ter se učili sprejemati medsebojno drugačnost. Ob vsem tem bomo odkrivali, kaj zame in zate pomeni bližina. V skupnosti bomo imeli tudi dobro priložnost, da nova in poglobljena spoznanja tudi zaživimo. Tako se bomo iz izkušnje učili, kje lahko vsak osebno raste v svojem odnosu do drugih. Glede na to, da vedno pravim, kako asocialna oseba sem, poleg tega pa obiskujem tak faks, kjer je učenje o vzpostavljanju in grajenju odnosa z drugimi bolj kot ne bistvo in zato pridobivanje izkušenj vedno pride prav, sta bila to še dodatna razloga, zakaj sem se počitnic sploh udeležila.

Če ”na hitro” povzamem celotno dogajanje v tednu: prvi dan smo se razdelili v pare ter na ”umetniški” način spoznali drug drugega, poleg tega pa smo preizkusili še naš spomin in sicer s tem, da smo se morali spomniti čimveč stvari o svojem sogovorniku; torej, ne le tega, kar je govoril, temveč tudi to, kako je izgledal, se držal, kakšna je bila njegova frizura, obrazna, telesna mimika, ton in barva glasu ipd.. Prav vsi vemo, da imam sama velike probleme s spominom, zato sem bolj kot ne failala (in mogoče čisto malo goljufala :P), je bilo pa zato dosti smeha. V torek smo v skupinah odkrivali koliko nam odnosi v današnji družbi sploh pomenijo. kaj je v njih pomembnega oz. bistvenega, kaj nas ovira pri vzdrževanju odnosa itd. (ja, malo berem iz naših knjigic – vzrok preberi tri vrstice višje 😉 ). V bistvu smo imeli res super pogovor s skupino, if you ask me. Sreda je bila namenjena izletu v Šibenik. Okej, ne vem, če ste že bili kdaj na katamaranu, ampak faaaađ, meni se je zdelo, kot da sem vstopila na letalo. Ne hecam. Meni osebno je blo noro, mogoče prav zaradi tega, ker je bila to moja prva izkušnja z njim (awwww). Za izlet v Šibenik nismo dobili posebnih nalog, razen par kuvert, ki smo jih morali odpirati ‘ob dolgčasu’, ‘ob nesoglasju v skupini’, ‘ob veselju’, ‘v težavah’, ‘pred odločitvijo’… You get the point. Zgornja slika npr. prikazuje našo uspešno najdbo šibeniškega bagatina (bejsikli srebrn, nad 230€ vreden kovanec), ki je bila ena od nalog v kuvertah. Juhu mi! 😛 Naša skupina se je kasneje priključila še eni in tako smo vandrali cel dan po mestu, pošnofali trgovino, napolnjeno s samimi sladkimi zadevami, šli molit v eno od cerkva, švicali vse do gradu nad Šibenikom ter se ‘prepirali’ nad izbiro velikosti pice. Nujno je bilo seveda slikanje na pokopališču zraven gradu, ker demt, ljudje tam gor majo res nor razgled. 😉 In ah, te majhne, srednjeveško izgledajoče ulice … Big like! Pa sončni zahod za nazaj … I’m a sucker for sunsets.

šibenik

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randomcerku

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kip

zahod

Četrtkov vsebinski blok je bil namenjen odkrivanju naših dobrih in slabih lastnosti. Ah, slabih se je pri meni našlo celo morje (haha, get it? Ker sem bla na morju. Ha. Ok, I give up), večji problem je bilo našteti tistih 5 stvari, za katere bi rekla, da sem v njih dobra. Težka, težka. Je bilo pa zanimivo, kaj čem.

V petek so tisti tapogumni že nevemkdaj zjutraj krenili na najvišji vrh Kaprij (132m, lej to 😀 ), da bi lahko videli sončni vzhod. Jaz nisem med tapogumnimi in sem tako raje zavlekla svoj spanec ter se zbudila v prazni sobi. Mistra sem našla v drugi prazni sobi. Človek bi reku, da sva čist za skup. Anyways, kot sem že rekla, sem bolj za sončne zahode, ne vzhode. No, tudi ostali ne-tako-pogumni-ali-pač-samo-zaspani smo se par ur kasneje odpravili na vrh, kjer smo vsi skupaj imeli sveto mašo. Jako jako fajn je blo tam gor, priznam. Ma vseeno mi ni nič žal, da nisem videla vzhoda. 🙂 Vsebinski blok je vseboval pogovor v dvojicah ob pomoči moje najljubše knjie, Le Petite Prince – iiiiii -, in sicer na temo ustvarjanja vezi, prijateljstva, spoznavanje drug drugega, odgovornosti v odnosu ipd.. Izvedela sem precej zanimive stvari, zato se ta dan uvršča med tiste najboljše v tednu. Kar se tiče sobote pa mi je v spominu ostala samo zaključna feštica z vsem možnim dogajanjem. Opa. No, dejmo, odprimo vsi pesmarico na strani 116 (recimo, da sem zadela 😛 ). 😉

razgled

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Nedelja pa itak … Jutranja maša, kreganje oglašujočega se želodca (I’m weird like that), veliko presenečenje zame, zadnji sladoled in odhod domov. Kratko, a sladko. Aja, pa naaaajlepša zahvala Tomažu in tvojmu tati, da sta nas tri v LJ zapeljala do doma, ko so trolice obupale. 🙂 Prav tako hvala Luki za še zadnje smešne fore. 😀

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Kaprije so nam ponudile še mnogo drugih zabavnih trenutkov, od skakanja v vodo v pristanišču popoldne in v le-de-nem večeru, otročjega špricanja v vodi in ustvarjanja ”modric” na obrazu od udarca z nogo (ups 😀 ), prijateljevanja z Dušanom Kamnom, 15+ minutnih pogovorov z ostalimi udeleženci, večernih sprehodov, tik-pred-nosom zaprtega bara, večerne adoracije, do zasebnega koncerta, ko se tuširam (hvala res, drugič izberta majčkeno bolj veselo pesem, prosim 😀 ), kot tudi manj zabavnih (še vedno si pucam uho od tistga, kar si mi naredu, Marko!; in pa, proooosim, drugič mal več zelene solate, tenkjuverimač!). But all in all, it was a pretty pretty good week. 🙂 Največja in najlepša hvala vsem, you were awesome!

The Best Of Me.

Not so long ago my lovely friend Urška lent me five books to read over the summer, one of them being The Best Of Me by Nicholas Sparks. Now, I like Mr Sparks, though his books can be really cheesy sometimes, but I like cheesy so there’s that. My favourite is, of course, The Notebook – always have, always will (though, it makes me mad everytime they play the movie version on TV because for some lame reason they never show the real ending which is *spoilers* that they die together while holding hands; for me, this is kind of a beautiful ending and on TV they never show this part, ughhh). But I didn’t want to talk about The Notebook tonight (yes, it is three in the morning, I can’t help it). I want to talk about the book that I mentioned earlier. I never do book reviews because I’m just not that good at explaining things – this one won’t be that long, either -, but something about this book just doesn’t sound right. Also, this blog post is gonna have lots of spoilers, so if you want to read the book first, stop reading this. 😉 Also, stop reading if you don’t wanna see me ramble, because sometimes I really get into some stuff, especially if it involves books. And again, I am sorry in advance for all the spelling/grammar/whatever mistakes; I think we already know I’m not that good at English. 😉

Okay, so I started reading TBOM yesterday, but I’ve only read through a couple of pages, because it looked like another The Notebook look-alike story and I get bored if an author’s books are all alike. Ya know, a teenage couple falls in love, she’s from a rich family, he’s not (though in this story he comes from kinda dangerous family; everybody’s afraid of them because they, like, threaten people or even kill them). Of course her parents don’t want her to be with him and so they threaten her that they will not pay for her college or just anything at all that involves paying money if she doesn’t end things with him. And so, he breaks up with her for her own good and she goes off to college and they don’t see each other for more than two decades. (You see why I think it’s so similar to Notebook?) But when I started reading it again today, I was just like ‘whaaaaat?’.

So, as I said, they see each other again much later in life because they both attend a funeral of their dear friend. But then we find out that she’s already married and has three kids! But of cooourse she still feels something for Dawson (girl’s name is Amanda) and eventually they come together (they kiss, nothing more) but she realizes that even though she loves him very very much, she must think about her family and what it would do to them if she left her husband (who’s also an alcoholic). And so they split up again, if I can say so. I was already crying so much (I actually cried through last hundred pages), because Mr Sparks really knows how to write a perfect break-up (it sounds really weird, but it’s just how it is). The story doesn’t end here, tho.

Dawson doesn’t really know what to do next – should he move away? Stay here in his hometown? Or keep his job on oil platform? Try something new? Eventually he decides to just go away, because there’re too many painful memories in this town. But fate somehow brings him back again and after he tries to rescue some kid (he’s somehow connected to Dawson’s past, too, but I don’t want to be too long) from Dawson’s two evil-sons-of-a-bitches cousins who are beating the crap out of him, one of the cousins shots Dawson in the head. Aaaand, he dies. Later we found out that he donated his heart to one of Amanda’s son, because he got really hurt in a car accident and Amanda slowly starts to work on her marriage again.

At this point I was like ‘Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me.’ I mean, I was really upset with how things ended up for Dawson. I wasn’t so much ‘worried’ about Amanda and her family because I knew that everything will work out fine in time, but I was legit shocked and sad at how Dawson’s life ended. His family hated him because he wasn’t like them, evil and all killer-like, his hometown was afraid of him, his mother left him when he was three, his father beat him and took all of his money, he lost the love of his life TWICE, his best and only friend died, he didn’t quite have a home, his past haunted him all the time, he was literally alone, he didn’t know how to move on and at the end, he got killed. By his own family. No. Just. No.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the story, I think everyone should read it. I swear I haven’t cried this much in a looong long time while reading a book, which I think is a good sign because then you know you just got yourself a book worth reading (no shit, Sherlock). But somehow I hate it, too. I just can’t get around the fact that life was already so hard on Dawson in his childhood/teenage years but even as he grew up, everything around him got destroyed. Yeah, yeah, he saved those two kids, I get it. But apparently he wasn’t, I don’t know, worthy enough to be saved, not as a child and not as a grown-up. He was a really good person or at least he tried really hard to be. And that’s what bothers me so much. Like his life never meant anything at all. To kill off a really good person who deserved to live and who deserved good things to happen to him? It’s not right.  But nevertheless, I think I understand the meaning of the story …

Okay, I’ll shut up now. This is just a liiiittle something that popped into my head while reading. GO AND READ THE BOOK BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT NO MATTER WHAT. And, hello, it’s Nicholas Sparks. G’night!

 

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