Tag: personal

”I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”

I’ve had three great losses in my life. First one nearly killed me in the end, the second is still silently destroying me mentally and the third one made me realise just how much every moment with my family matters.

But I’ve learned everything can be fixed if you decide it’s worth enough to fix it. I’ve learned that if you tried everything you could, even if only in the end, you are not to blame. I’ve learned that trust and honesty is what I value and look for in people. I’ve learned being alone is okay, even if it hurts like hell. I’ve learned to take time, but not to isolate myself. I’ve learned to never, ever, ever put all of the blame on myself. I’ve learned to choose my people carefully. I’ve learned to appreciate quality over quantity. I’ve learned to never give up on people, even if it backfires in the end and on the other hand that you’re not a bitch if you ignore them for a while and don’t talk to them just because they want to – because you sometimes just need to effing put yourself first. I’ve learned it’s also okay to fall sometimes, that you don’t have to be strong all the time.

And I’m learning to forgive, which for me is the hardest thing to do. To forgive people who meant the world to you, who you thought you meant the world to them, who left you without saying a proper goodbye. Who you trusted with all your being, who were your most important people. To forgive people who replaced you so easily, who hurt you beyond reason.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.

But in a weird way I’m also trying to be grateful. Cus every one of these losses shaped me in the person I am today. And hell, even if my mind is not quite okay yet, I bloody love myself and what I do right now. I. Effing. Love. Myself. And I pray to God I never lose faith in myself (and Him) ever again.

 

two thousand and thirteen

When I screwed up the presentation of myself on prom. When I found out about my matura results. When I spent ten days in one of the most beautiful places with my best friend. When I got white roses for our anniversary.  When we drove to Totalka, found out we didn’t have any money and then began frantically looking for change in my car. When I watched meteor shower with a few of my favourite people. When our whole village hung out by the river and took a group photo of us ”kids” after six years. When I convinced my friend to go to Međugorje. When I  went there myself, with so many awesome people. When I learned this song on piano. When I found out we’d got the appartment. When we moved in. When we spent our first day as students in Ljubljana. When I heard MPP choir live for the first time. When I first got that big mug of hot chocolate in Cacao here in Ljubljana. When I found out  my braces are coming off six months earlier. When I made new friends at home and at college. When I actually remembered all the names of my new schoolmates (in record time) and found out how incredibly awesome they are. When I ran into my old friends from high school. When our choir sang this song so perfectly. When the police stopped me for the first time after getting my driving license. When I broke that toilet brush while cleaning the actual toilet and it just swam away through the hole. When we first got the Internet in our apartment. When so many people I adore turned up for my birthday party. When people actually remembered my birthday without Facebook telling them when it is.  When they got me so many socks. When I got my MUA palette. When I spent New Years Eve with my best friend from high school. When he came back from France. When he said ‘I love you’ for the first time in almost a year and a half. When I spent one of the funniest evenings with a group of people I never thought would welcome me in ther mids (yeah, I’m looking at you, girls who sang to Alya song with me 😉 ). When Friday came and I spent the evening talking to my friends. When I went for a walk with my best friend and her dog (and sometimes her boyfriend 😀 ). When my roommate started talking in her sleep in the middle of the night. When I realized I am not, never have been and never will be alone.

Moments. The unexpected ones. When the corners of your mouth automatically turn upwards and you can just feel the excitement growing inside your chest. When you realize you truly are at the right place at the right time with the right people. Moments that make your life worthy and meaningful. The best kind of moments. And these were mine.

 

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