A lil’ bit of music never killed nobody …
Tag: me
”I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”
I’ve had three great losses in my life. First one nearly killed me in the end, the second is still silently destroying me mentally and the third one made me realise just how much every moment with my family matters.
But I’ve learned everything can be fixed if you decide it’s worth enough to fix it. I’ve learned that if you tried everything you could, even if only in the end, you are not to blame. I’ve learned that trust and honesty is what I value and look for in people. I’ve learned being alone is okay, even if it hurts like hell. I’ve learned to take time, but not to isolate myself. I’ve learned to never, ever, ever put all of the blame on myself. I’ve learned to choose my people carefully. I’ve learned to appreciate quality over quantity. I’ve learned to never give up on people, even if it backfires in the end and on the other hand that you’re not a bitch if you ignore them for a while and don’t talk to them just because they want to – because you sometimes just need to effing put yourself first. I’ve learned it’s also okay to fall sometimes, that you don’t have to be strong all the time.
And I’m learning to forgive, which for me is the hardest thing to do. To forgive people who meant the world to you, who you thought you meant the world to them, who left you without saying a proper goodbye. Who you trusted with all your being, who were your most important people. To forgive people who replaced you so easily, who hurt you beyond reason.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.
But in a weird way I’m also trying to be grateful. Cus every one of these losses shaped me in the person I am today. And hell, even if my mind is not quite okay yet, I bloody love myself and what I do right now. I. Effing. Love. Myself. And I pray to God I never lose faith in myself (and Him) ever again.
Dear God
Everything feels a bit distant to me… As if lately life’s been slipping through my fingers and I can’t seem to keep up. Everything feels confusing… It feels like I’m not really here.
I’ve been trying to clear my head for a while now yet I’m still not able to think things through. I still don’t know how I feel about certain things and that worries me.
Sometimes I feel like I totally know myself and other times I can’t even recognize me. Which scares the poop out of me.
Seriously. Who am I?
10/2016
The One When I’m Not A Bad Friend
Having low self-esteem pretty much your whole life does a lot to a person. Everybody knows that. But for me it wasn’t so much my body image that I didn’t like. I mean, sure I had those bad days when I hated my nose and numerous chin rolls (still struggling with that, can’t help it) or when no jeans would fit me because I was (am) just too small yet wide in the waist (meh, still struggling with that, too) or when I was losing every possible ring because my hands are so weird and boney.
The biggest problem for me ever since I can remember is that to this day I still don’t know how to properly deal/talk with other people. More specifically: my friends. Which is weird, right? Like, they’re my friends. Most of them have been my friends for almost my entire life. And yet, I still have absolutely NO CLUE whatsoever what to say to them when they’re crying. Or when they’re over-the-moon happy. Or when they’re just plain moody. I’m obssesing over things like: ‘Am I smiling enough? I don’t think I am. Should I be jumping up and down? How long should I keep smiling? Wait, should I go and get tissues? Or would she/he prefer I just hold her/his hand? Damn, I wish he/she was here, he/she would know what to say!’ etc. Basically, my mind shuts down completely on what to actually do.
How is this connected to my self-esteem, you may ask?
Well, my dear patient people who are still reading this, this super-duper problem is making me think I’m a failure at being a good friend. So, another fail combined with friends equals having low self-esteem.
Yes, I know, lots of people sometimes don’t know what to say to others. But for me it happens all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. And I really don’t want to be that person who just pats someones shoulder and says ‘there, there’, because she has nothing smarter to say.
It just blows my mind how certain people find just the right words when others need them. I am beyond jealous of those people. I’m sorry, but I am. Because I feel like I should be returning my friends a favor – that is, if they’re making me laugh constantly, it’s only right that I should know or find the right words to console them if need be. But I don’t have them.
BUUUUT! So I don’t sound whiny and ‘oh poor poor Maša’ again, something happened the other day. One of my friends was having probably one of the roughest days in her life, yet when I came into the room, I seriously didn’t know what to say. I. Didn’t. Know. And it killed me. Because she’s one of my best friends and there I was, quiet. Luckily, another friend was there, too, and she knows what to say when people are in a state like that (I still think you should change college, J 😉 ). She made the situation a bit better and simultaneously made me feel worse about myself. But then, I’ve had enough. So I stood up, went to the fridge and brought back two bowls of ice-cream. And sang Pink Fluffy Unicorn Dancing on Rainbows. Because these were things that made me happy and I so hoped they would make her happy, too.
And that’s when my other friend said: ‘See, THAT’S what you do! You’re being so worried that you don’t know what to say to people when they’re feeling certain things, and yet you find a completely different and awesome way to show them you really DO care about them. Even if you don’t directly tell them with your words’ (Kinda like that, J? 😀 ).
And it was just a bit of ice-cream.
I’m not saying I’m gonna stop worrying what to say to people when it comes to situations like this in the future. I don’t change so easily. I’m still gonna get nervous when people start crying in front of me (or, like, show emotions in general *sigh*). But I did need a strong reminder that in the end I am not such a f-ck up of a friend like I thought I was and that I do know what to say, just in a different way. And miraculously, people are fine with that even if I’m not.
Also, ice-cream fixes everything. Even if it’s lactose-free.
Thanks for reading & good night.
xo
Just walk on the clouds.
Hiya there. Since I have nothing better and useful to do, I’ve decided to do this ask-y-kind-of thing. Because I like them and they’re simple and kinda stupid and I like stupid things. So don’t judge or go away.
Vital Statistics:
Me: Maša.
Nicknames: Glupača is probs my most common nickname.
Birthday: December 12 1994.
Place of Birth: Novo mesto. Slovenie.
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius.
Male or Female: Imma a gurl.
Occupation: None.
Residence: Jelše, MP, NM.
Screen Name: bajso!
Appearance:
Hair Colour: Brown-ish with a lil bit of blonde on the tips.
Hair Length: Long, kinda.
Eye colour: Blue, tho my boyfriend says they’re kind of green. But I stick to blue.
Best Feature: Eyes, I guess.
Height: 1.60m
Braces?: I just took ’em off two months ago. I’ve had them for two years, eight months and one week. Yay me.
Glasses?: Nuh-uh.
Piercing: I have my ears pierced, but I actually hate wearing earrings.
Tattoos: None, but I would love one, tho.
Righty or Lefty: Righty.
Your ‘Firsts’:
First best friend: That would probably be Manca, who has actually remained my best friend till now. High-five!
First Award: Uhmm .. I don’t get awards, lol.
First Sport You Joined: Probs football. But I got bored of it in highschool, so yeah.
First Real Vacation: Ankaran with my family. It was actually quite fun.
First Concert: RBD. Shut up, they were cool! 😀
First Love: Smbd, ya know …
Favourites:
Movie: Okay, so I’ve narrowed them down to three. The Notebook (obviously), Pride&Prejudice and Persuasion. I’m a sucker for ‘older’ movies.
TV Show: I always get excited when a new episode of Bones comes out. So, Bones, forever and always. And Friends!
Colours: People would think that because I wear lots of neutral colors such as black, grey or white, they would be my faves. But I actually love yellow and bright green/blue.
Song: I really don’t think I have a favourite favourite song. If I like one, I will listen to it over and over again until I get bored of it. Like every normal person. Oh, wait.
Candy: Oreo cookies. Oh so nom.
Restaurant: Totalka!
Store: H&M. And MASS, even tho I only go there to cry over prices of Converse and Vans shoes.
School: I loved my high-school and idgaf what people think of it. It was a great school and that’s it. So shush!
Book: Well, I can’t choose my fave books, because there’re too many of ’em.
Magazine: I don’t read magazines. Or does Razvedrilo with crosswords count?
Shoes: Vans & Converse.
Currently:
Feeling: Slightly sleepy. Sunday vibe and all …
Single or Taken: Taken, oooh.
Eating: I’m full of hotdogs right, so nuthing.
Typing: This bit right here.
Online: Who, me? Nooo?
Listening To: The Civil Wars – My Father’s Father. I’ve just discovered them and I quiiiite like ’em.
Thinking About: Lots of things. What I have to do this week, what’s going to be like the next, whether I should post this post at all and other stupid things.
Wanting: Next week to go okay.
Watching: I’m deciding whether I should watch Friends or Unconditional.
Wearing: The shortest shorts and t-shirt I own because it’s effing hot.
Future:
Want Children?: Uhmm, babies and children usually cry when I hold/take care of them and I literally have NO IDEA what they want when they start crying. But I dunno, I guess, yeah.
Want to be Married: I have just recently decided that yeah, I would want to be married some day. *parteeey*
Careers in Mind: I dunno. Still in process …
Where do you want to live?: Suprisingly, in Slovenia. I don’t have any intention on moving in another country, partly because I’m a pussy and because I suck at saying goodbye to things/people that I care about.
Have you ever:
Kissed a Stranger: Ew, no.
Had Alcohol: Umm, yeah…
Smoked: I hate cigarettes, so no.
Ran Away From Home: Since I’m writing this from my computer in my room, I don’t think so.
Broken a bone: Yup.
Got an X-ray: Don’t you get and x-ray everytime you broke a bone, anyways?
Broken Someone’s Heart: Yeah.
Broke Up With Someone: Indeed I have.
Cried When Someone Died: Yes, but only in like, movies and stuff. No one close to me died, tho.
Cried At School: Oh yes.
Do You Believe In:
God: Yes.
Miracles: Some yes, some no.
Love At First sight: Nope.
Ghosts: No.
Aliens: No.
Soul Mates: I guess.
Heaven: Yes.
Hell: Yes.
Kissing on The First Date: Meh, nope.
Yourself: Most of the time no. But there’re a few moments, ya know. 🙂
Me, myself and I. Oh, zlajnano pa nič.
Gospodična cimrica (njen blogič) me je pred par meseci (ja, vzamem si čas) nominirala za eno super stvar, ki pa sem se jo odločila malo spremeniti. ‘Pravila’ so namreč takšna, da je potrebno napisati 11 dejstev o sebi, odgovoriti na prav toliko vprašanj ter enako število vprašanj postaviti drugim, ki jih prej še nominiraš (natančneje je na njenem blogu objavljeno). Ker pa jaz, tako kot cimra, večinoma spremljam samo angleške bloge, slovenskih pa poznam ravno toliko kot ona, sem se odločila opraviti le prvi dve stvari. Oh, kako egocentrično od mene. Če pa res noro hočete vprašanja, pridite do mene pa se bomo zmenli (po možnosti ob kakšnem Twinings čajčku z mlekom!). 😉
> 11 dejstev
Sicer sem isto stvar opravila že nekaj objav nazaj (tulele), ampak mi je take stvari blazno zabavno delat.
– Jaz ponoči dejansko ne morem spat, če nimam štumfov na nogah. Če me zebe v noge, me zebe povsod. Tako da, tvegal ne bomo – zihr je zihr.
– Očitno ne znam razlikovat Coca-Cole od paštete. *interna fora*
– Ker sem otrok po duši (al pa tut drgač): The Lion King je vedno bil in bo moja najljubša Disney risanka (in mjuzikl). Aja, in če še slučajno niste videli tega, ne veste kaj zamujate. Sem kar jokala, tako dobri so.
– Vsem se zdi tako noro smešno, da si še vedno kupujem ledeni čaj za pit, ampak bodimo realni- komu pa ni bila všeč tista mala zelena pakunga s pingvinčkom (ali je bila kakšna druga žival? ups), ki smo jih dobivali v osnovnih šolah? Ledeni čaj je kul in konc!
– Milijonkrat rajši poslušam glasbo iz 50-80 let kot zdajšnjo komercialo. Izjema so Hillsongi, Michael Buble in HAIM.
– Sem dokaj velika perfekcionistka kar se tiče pisanja oz. oblikovanja seminarskih nalog/poročil/ipd. Vse mora biti tipi-topi: pisava, poravnava, vejice na pravem mestu (to še posebej!), do amena pravilno navedeni viri, točno določeni odstavki, na povrpojntih mora biti vse v ravni črti itd.
– Če te ponesreči pohodim, je velika verjetnost, da se ti bom opravičevala še naslednje pol leta.
– Poleg belih vrtnic so moje najljubše rožce postali še teeemno rdeči tulipani. Love me some spring flowers.
– Sem jako velik fan reševanja križank. Atitovi geni pa to…
– Nataša je rekla, da moram povedat, da sem kura.
– Ura je dve zjutraj. Pičim.
> 11 vprašanj
1. Stvar, ki bi jo na sebi najraje spremenila in zakaj.
Ah, sej že vsi vemo, da itak najbolj jamram nad mojim nosom (no, jamram praktično nad vsem, kar se tiče moje osebnosti, ampak v tem primeru bom ubrala fizični izgled). Ker, halo, a ga je kdo že dejansko res pogledal? Da ne omenjamo tiste nadležne ‘pike’ točno na konici nosa, ki se kar noče odstranit, pujsica mala. Ma doro, Bog že ve, zakaj je tk, I guess…
2. Kje se vidiš čez 10 let?
Gospa Kramarjeva nam je v OŠ napovedala, da bomo po OŠ itak vsi pristali pod Tromostovjem. Trenutno sem na faksu. Mislim, da mi gre zaenkrat še kar v redu. Sicer pa, isto vprašanje so nam kakšen mesec nazaj postavili na faksu – ne vem, če se bom poročila, verjetno bom šla bolj v primorske konce, majhna bom še vedno, delala bom verjetno nekaj povsem drugega, kot tisto, kar trenutno študiram, imela bom vsaj dve mački in vsem bom šla na živce, ker bom tečna. Tk nekak.
3. Kaj si trenutno misliš o svojem življenju?
Stari, verjetno nisem še nikoli tako uživala življenja, kot ga letos. Dobro, faks nas zalaga s poročili, seminarskimi, testi itd., ampak kar se tiče ostalega socialnega življenja – I’m on fire! 😀 Kar je sicer jako zanimivo, zaradi asocialnosti pa to.. To se sicer sliši, kot da ga feštam z alkoholom vsak teden, ampak druženje s starimi prijatelji (in novimi; brez alkohola!) je res kul. Ljubljana je kul. Vse je kul.
4. Najslabša odločitev.
I let someone, I still cared about, go. Bt lajf is gud nau. 🙂
5. Kaj najprej opaziš na nasprotnem spolu?
A je čudno, če rečem zobe? 😀
6. Najbolj ‘awkward’ trenutek.
Padla na ledu pred celo šolo. Pa na vseh štengah. Bajnof fun times.
7. Najljubši predmet v šoli?
V osnovni telovadba, v srednji biotehnologija in zgodovina, na faksu Opazovanje, poslušanje in dialog ter Osnove socialne pedagogike.
8. Če bi lahko imela supermoč, katera bi bila?
Noro noro rada bi brala misli. Ker dejansko ne vem, kaj se dogaja z ljudmi, dokler mi tega izrecno ne povedo. Čeprav ne vem, če je to ravno supermoč …
9. Pesem, ki najbolj opiše tvoje življenje.
Teeeežka. Včasih sem bila obsedena z Jason Mraz – I Won’t Give Up, trenutno pa je pri meni verjetno najbolj ‘popularna’ TLK II – Love Will Find A Way. Romantična pa nč.
10. Dolgoletna želja, ki se je/ni uresničila?
Se je: I have been saved. Se ni: nisem dala aparata dol takrat, ko sem hoooootla, jooook!
11. Si zadovoljna s svojim življenjem?
Vprašanje št. 3. 😉
Slabo.
Včasih se res vprašam, če mi v življenju ne more it še slabše, a lej ga no, očitno lahka. Izgubila sem povsem nov prstan iz Međugorja. In dejansko mi gre kar na jok. Čisto nov, a štekaš?! Za vas se to seveda ne zdi nek velik problem, meni je pa žal kar big deal. Tudi moj podvig, da pridem danes do gradu, pač zaradi okoliščin ni uspel. Sem pa zato vsaj uspela vidt tisto čudovito ulico na Gornjem trgu, ki je po mojem mnenju verjetno najlepši del Ljubljane sploh. Highlight of the day. Night. Uatevr. Čudim se in se hkrati zahvaljujem tistima dvema gospodičnama, ki sta uspeli shajati z mano. Ker to pač ne uspe vsakemu. Ne, Taš, ne nasprotuj mi, ker tole mam prav!
Slabe volje sem, prav res. Zato bo tole depresiven zapis, ampak aš kaj? Aj dont ivn ker! Še slik ne bo nobenih, tko! In ker dejansko ne vem kako lahko ljudje sploh shajajo z mano. Newsflash! Nisem ne cukrasta, ne sončkasta, ne kakršen koli drug pridevnik, ki bi lahko označeval domnevoma dobre lastnosti. Če me že hočete spoznat (vsak, ki ima vsaj malo pameti, tega seveda ne bi počel), bi moral prej vedt, da sem precej samokritičen človek (bravo Šerlok Maša, ajmo enga Oscarja!), ki je močno asocialen, ki ima tako napredno neumne možgane, da ji dve besedi uspe spravit v eno v sekundi, ki se ji zapleta jezik, ko govori z nekom, ki ga ne pozna dovolj dobro (še enkrat huje je, če je ta oseba fant; ker sem pač čudna in možgani tko senzacionalno preklopijo in ker bi človek pomislil, da po vseh teh letih bi pa že lahko malce odrasla. Okej, nima veze), ki ima samo sebe za precej neumnega in pozabljivega človeka (resno, sploh ne vem, če se ljudem splača mi kj govorit, ker vas bom itak čez en teden spet vprašala, o čem se gre stvar), ki na splošno rad zamerja ljudem, ker včasih prav paše bit jezen na nekoga (dokazno in presenetljivo nisem edina s takim mnenjem!), ki je tako štorast, da nima pojma, kako je lahko sploh še živ, ki se sekira zaradi povsem neumnih stvari in iz njih dela velik problem, ki ima včasih tako bedaste prebliske in jih, genij, izreče na glas, da ljudem itak ni jasno, o čem se kaj gre, ki mora vse vedt o vseh (in gre pri tem ljudem predvidoma močno na živce) in ki preprosto ne zna vzpostavit interakcije z ljudmi. A ni to ironija z vlko začetnico, glede na to, kaj bom po poklicu (ha!). In to je samo ena petina te pojave, ki sliši na ime Maša. Point vsega je, da se mi včasih res smilite tisti, ki me poznate. In samo poskusite mi zdj nasprotovat! Še pisat ne znam več.
A sem že omenila, da sem slabe volje?
you wanna reach out, you wanna give in
I watch all these people write their blogs everyday and I’m like ‘how the hell do you even do that?!’. I’ve barely forced myself to write this one, and I’m still sure that it’s gonna be crap. Damn.
Anyways, today I’ve decided to do a ’50 Facts About Me’ (or in my case, only 35 facts), because I think these lists are really fun and you will also get a chance to know me a little bit more. If you’re interested, of course. So, here goes nothing.
1. I’m one of those petite people who are just 160cm high. Hell yeah.
2. My favourite flowers are white roses.
3. I think of myself as a really really boring and a really really weird person. Seriously. Ask my roommate. 😉
4. I have asthma and am lactose-intolerant.
5. I’d already been to the highest mountain in Slovenia, Triglav. Yay, I’m a 100% Slovenian now, lol.
6. I’m a huge fan of Kristen Stewart and I don’t even care what you think about that. I just love her, that’s it.
7. Spaghetti with cheese and RioMare is my all time favourite food. Okay, I’ve discovered RM just recently (thanks to The Mister), but I already think of it as my favourite fishy food, yay.
8. If there’s a new fandom on the horizon, there’s a huge chance I’m gonna become a part of it. Except for The Vampire Diaries. Because that woman just annoys me too much, sorry.
9. I would much rather be spending my holidays hiking in the mountains instead of staying at the seaside.
10. My favourite TV series are Bones, Once Upon A Time, Charmed, House M.D., Merlin, Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Friends, Stargate and Game of Thrones.
11. I’m a huge fan of classics and my favourite novelist is Jane Austen.
12. I’ve only had two pets of my own – my goldfish Lassie and my recently-passed-away chinchilla Max.
13. My favourite movies are The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, October Baby and Atonement.
14. When we were little, my friends, cousins and I renovated an old bee house and turned it into a great little house. With two floors! We even changed tiles on the roof.
15. I don’t smoke, never have and I have no intetion of trying it anytime soon.
16. I have cold ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME.
17. Since I started watching Zoe’s videos, I became slightly obssessed with make-up and any beauty related things, even though I’m too much of a chicken to try it on myself. That’s just how weird I am.
18. I really really REALLY wish to go to Australia someday.
19. When I was little, we used to have a huuuge barrel filled with water instead of the swimming pool . Yup, we were cool like that.
20. I have a phobia of falling down in front of people. I walk really weird and my feet just don’t like to cooperate with me, so I’m literally stumbling through my life.
21. My most embarrassing moment was probably in primary school, when I accidentally showed my upper private part to the whole damn school and didn’t even realise it. Damn those bikini swimming bras.
22. I never passed my bicycle test, because I just couldn’t get through that stupid theory test. I was a loser and literally tried at least seven times, but it just wasn’t meant to be. BUT! I passed my driving test – the theory and the driving part – on my first attempt and have been driving for almost a year now. The first one in the family to pass everything on the first attempt, eff yeah!
23. I’ve already been in a car accident and suprisingly, it wasn’t even my fault. It was just one of those snowy days..
24. My favourite place in the whole wide world is Međugorje in Bosnia and Herzegovina. I am quite religious, as you may have noticed.
25. My family owns at least ten cats. Yep. TEN.
26. My family and I moved to a new house just two years ago (I thiiink it was that long ago). We were living in a small, one floor house before, with just five rooms (that includes the kitchen and the bathroom).
27. I used to really like family gatherings for Christmas and Easter, but now it’s just not the same anymore. Must be the fighting.
28. I find that I get bored of certain places and cities quite quickly and I so just want to go home as soon as possible. Because I never get bored of my room.
29. I used to think I could draw really nice. But then my friend Nina came along…
30. One of my favourite objects in my room is my bed. And my book shelf.
31. I laugh at the most ridiculous and weird things.
32. When I was younger I always wanted to have a horse. I alwas bugged my parents to buy one and I also tried to build a barn for it. But now that my family owns two of ’em, I just don’t feel like taking care of them. Thank God my parents have another obssessed daughter.
33. I don’t know how to party. I just don’t. If I go out to a club, I’ll probably either slap anyone who dares to touch or talk to me or I’ll run away as fast as I can.
34. I think people often get a wrong idea of me, because I feel totally awkward introducing myself to others for the first time and so I make a complete fool of myself.
35. My head hurts right now because I can’t think of anything else. So, byeeee.
flightless bird 